Are YOU a genius?

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. - Thomas Edison

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Did Shakespeare Ever Wonder ....?


TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE...
  
I  have a job.  
I work, they pay me.
  I  pay my taxes & the government
distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
    In order to get that paycheck, in my case,
I am required to pass a random urine test
(with which I have no problem).
  What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my
taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question:
 Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check
because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
  Please understand, I  have no problem with
helping people get back on their feet.

I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping
someone sitting on their butt - doing drugs while I work.
 Can you imagine how much money each province
would save if people had to pass a urine test
to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call  the  program
"URINE  OR YOU'RE OUT"!

Something is changing! Political parties will have to PAY for their own campaigns! - Editor
 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Remember Black & White?



Days of Black and White
e
"Good night and God bless.."

Go all the way to the bottom past the pictures. I think you'll enjoy it. Whoever wrote this must have been my next door neighbor because it totally described my childhood to a 'T.' Hope you enjoy it.

Black and White




















Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)


You could hardly see for all the snow,

Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.

Pull a chair up to the TV set,



'Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'  




My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE...and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option.. even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!


We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the  48-cent bottle of mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.



Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.


We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either, because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.

Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.

Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.




To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA. AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.


-- Barrie


Monday, February 7, 2011

$ A Money "Funny" $

$MONEY...$
It can buy you a House
But not a Home

It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy you a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Sex
But not Love

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life


today'sTHOT============================
When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

A Gift Funny

Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day: 

- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- Cash.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"



today'sTHOT============================
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

A Fishing Funny

UNDERSTANDING FISHING 
By W. Bruce Cameron
[Check out the info on Bruce's new NY Times best-selling book below!]

Fishing is the act of sitting in a boat for hours and hours waiting for something to happen. It can be an exciting sport if you enjoy watching a lake evaporate one molecule at a time. And sometimes, given the right rhythm to the waves, there's the added attraction of throwing up.
My father and I go fishing occasionally, though we've never explained to each other why. Holding a rod in my hands, I'm struck by the idea that fishing is sort of like kite flying, except the kite is very small and you can't see it. I mention this to my father, who doesn't respond, either because he finds my comment unmanly or because he has fallen into a stupor.
We're in Michigan, where he has gone to retire. Based on how he spends his days, I assume he picked Michigan because it has good cable television. We've paid the state a license fee so that if we catch anything, it will legally cost ten bucks an ounce.
We're trolling, meaning that the boat is moving ahead slowly, dragging behind it a barbed lure in hopes some hapless fish will come across it. To me, trolling is a bit like discharging a shotgun out your kitchen window, hoping you'll hit a chicken.
The inside of our boat is smaller than the size allowed by the Supreme Court for prison cells. "Catch anything yet?" I ask my father, hoping to amuse at least one of us.
He's still not talking.
My dad bought a fish finder in order to, well, find fish. We stared at the schools of huge fish on the small screen for two awestruck years before we realized we had it in "Demo" mode. Now we don't pay much attention to it, but we leave it in Demo because we find the images comforting.
Our lures are made of metal and plastic, substances that fish apparently find very appetizing. I try to picture wanting to bite at the things as they sail past. It's as if you decided to ignore a hamburger and eat a unicycle instead.
My father has a new net. (The old one fell apart from disuse.) The new purchase is large enough to net a human cannonball. "Why don't we forget the lures and just drag the net through the water?" I suggest. "Maybe we'll catch Flipper."
I'm starting to worry that perhaps my father thinks the fish are monitoring our conversation to learn our plans. Finally he speaks. "What's he doing?" he says.
I look where he indicates. A boat with a solitary fisherman approaches dead ahead, apparently planning to ram us at 3 MPH. My father stands up and makes a nautical hand signal that means "You Are An Idiot." The captain of the opposing vessel shakes his fist, but makes no effort to change course. This is an obvious challenge to which the only response is to not change our course.
We're going to crash and sink because neither boat thought to bring along a woman to point out how stupid we're acting.
The same laws of randomness that have protected the fish from being snagged by our hooks now prevents a boating accident by the narrowest of margins. "I've been fishing this lake for 60 years," my father calls to our enemy, establishing who has proprietary rights to this stretch of water. The guy in the other boat smells like he's been fishing even longer.
"I've been here all morning," he counters as he slips past.
"Well, you won that debate," I praise my father.
Moments later my rod dips and I'm fighting what feels like the biggest fish of my life. With every tug it pulls back, as if it's trying to catch me.
With a sound like a bow firing an arrow, my line pops out of the water—I've hooked the lure of the enemy boat guy. Our lures dance in the air for a moment while we strain against each other and then there's a snap and we both fall back. His line has broken, and I reel in his lure while he shakes his fist.
My father's disgusted, but I'm happy — I went fishing and finally caught something!
-----------------
From The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter:
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2010. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
Bruce's latest book is the New York Times best-selling novel "A Dog's Purpose":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0765326264/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
He is also the author of these recommended books:
"8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0761126333/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
"8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter: And Other Reasonable Advice from the Father of the Bride (Not that Anyone is Paying Attention)":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1416558918/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
"How to Remodel a Man: Tips and Techniques on Accomplishing Something You Know Is Impossible but Want to Try Anyway":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/031233317X/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
today'sTHOT============================
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
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Copyright 2010 Mike Atkinson | www.mikeysFunnies.com

A Birthday Funny

today'sFUNNY===========================

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. "Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."


today'sTHOT============================
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

Have a Laugh or Two: Pet Food for the FunnyBone!


MOO-vin on up, to the East Side! Daddy was an Albino, honest!

 cid:2864C6F55B9C44DD91C68CCB2BE8EC8B@youb4824PC

I feel a weird itch in my hair!

cid:A6475ECC32C24B9AAECCB32C0090844C@youb4824PC

Cat gymnastics, anyone? Mama told me there'd be days like this!

cid:57C07FC059314CB08C91098DE574FC40@youb4824PC

I love this rug! I'm not leavin' it!

cid:F150B1B340E84B2FA6E1FF011154CC0D@youb4824PC


I never PAWsed my First Aid course! Sorry!

cid:628DB618C3FF4B5497F201E9063B9358@youb4824PC 
Doggone cute! Mama kitty was NEVER this warm!

cid:5D9A0DD606534B939A12C70F2DD7861D@youb4824PC
Mama was NEVER this warm!

cid:2891B6EE9E4C4B59A218D60C8B1B14FC@youb4824PC
Where are the chips man?
 The game's startin' !

cid:DA92280681C541668361D5C512FF21C9@youb4824PC

Excuse my language! But it's the only defense I have left! I'm tapped out!


cid:01AEE4FE60A74B48B288D05E380A2294@youb4824PC

I think I have this problem licked!

cid:DA161D77850945FCAD5530C46B59AC2A@youb4824PC

Hey I don' wanna hurt you bro! Listen up!

cid:2C383E3375C04CF3AFC311D63B9683A7@youb4824PC

No 'arm done! But the hole I went in was a LOT bigger!

cid:41BAD5E7F0CD4997A6CCAB8D09565692@youb4824PC
No pussyfooting around this kitten!!! My paws my friend!!!

cid:09B8795EAE094680ABA36192D7F2551A@youb4824PC
Dog gone! Please? Does he meow too?

cid:BDCA9F66A8F346238D0DAADB95D6D08B@youb4824PC

How do I get out of here?



"Look  . . . I was thirsty man, deal with it"...


I was learning how to be a 'straw boss'!cid:DC76894D375E4077ADEE8DD1EAF5F430@youb4824PC

Touch de duck... I keel you!...


'eee's my best fre-eenndd !cid:8F73A4259ADC4D4A97EA19A72FDE5403@youb4824PC

Weeeeeee!!!  Look at me I'm Yoda!


I can feel the force!cid:085164355E53447EB3BE6358A54794E6@youb4824PC

"You want a piece of me?  Bring it on!...

cid:880173D25D6947B1833602662A196B44@youb4824PC


"Kid . . .. You're askin' the wrong guy".


I just don't understand cat humor.cid:49546D933B29455585B08C41E5667E60@youb4824PC


I don't get it.  Where's the milk?
What will parents think of next?
cid:860CC79BD7E84FAD9D056FCA8D113E12@youb4824PC



Wasssup!! Doggone cute!
cid:D27BA38DA6854A99ABCEDC9197AA94BE@youb4824PC

This bird's about to get a snot bath...


However it snot.. what you think!cid:1B4F85CD5CC24F8F804795B883DE411C@youb4824PC

I Hate You!!! Why?
cid:C64BD468DA124B27901871D8D098F3F7@youb4824PC

It was only a little pee, why the
30 minute timeout?
Was it a Sweet Pee?

cid:4362A76C82DA47D685CB442C9B015A38@youb4824PC

Dad left when he found out about
Mom and the Panda...
cid:F31D5692311B409C9F555469C81A9428@youb4824PC



Now keep this smile on, and have a great day!
Doctor's orders... (:-)



No animals were harmed in any way by the foregoing photo sessions. In fact, they enjoyed every minute! (:-0>


-Contributed by Barrie Brown

A Time to CELEBRATE !!! Canada! The U.S.!

Am I An American?

Robin Williams - The Flag

A Funny Thing Happened on the way to ........

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Some Funny Videos - Like PowerPoint?

Have you ever seen a PowerPoint presentation that was SOOO GOOD, you couldn't take your eyes from it?

On the other hand, have you ever seen one which you couldn't get your eyes open again?

Check some of these out. And if you need help with YOUR POWERPOINT, checkout my PowerPoint Presentations Blog.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this one! Apparently it was done for an English class. I think an A+ would be in order!

The Ballad of PowerPoint [LIKE IT FULL SCREEN?]





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