Clean Jokes & Inspiration

Yeshua

2011-09-17T16:12:00.001-04:00

Note: These photos are very slow to come up. I am looking into another way of showing these. But for now, if you are patient enough, you WILL BE rewarded!

Hello, sorry to bother you, but it is very urgent! I have a friend who came from far away and needs a place to stay. I suggested your place. I ask you to receive and love him. His name is Jesus Christ. Now say quietly: You can enter, Lord. I need you, cleanse my heart with your blood and bless my family.

If you believe in God, send this message to others. If they refuse, remember that Jesus said: "If you deny me among men, I will deny you before my Father."
HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO YOUR PLACE.

Reverend Fun - He Loves Me

2011-09-06T13:30:00.000-04:00

Reverend Fun - He Loves Me

More NOSTALGIA for Seniors!!!

2011-09-04T23:01:00.000-04:00

This will keep you entertained for the next ten years!

Here is a web site like no other. If you are over 50 - you will love this. You can scroll down the list below and click and watch anything. (Or you can view the same things at the web site in the link below.) TV shows (we sure had some good ones), songs (you'll be singing along) - oh my - what a collection. Just love this. I think you will too.

http://www.oldiestelevision.com/

20 full episode FATHER KNOWS BEST (1953)
The definitive aspartame family sitcom: Betty & Kathy fued begin over a bathing suit
Robert Young, Jane Wyatt, Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray, Lauren Chapin. (CBS)
21 PETTICOAT JUNCTION (1962)
Bea Bernadette and Edgar Buchanan bring up three perky teenage girls in Hooterville,
at the Shady Rest Hotel; this show was the precursor to "Green Acres" (CBS).
22OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST BOB MATTHIAS (1956)
1952 Olympic Triathalon Champ Discusses the games & his movie debut with Herb Sheldon.
Sheldon hosted several shows ranging from talk, to teen dance, to Ricky Tick Piano. ( DuMont )
23 DANCES OF THE 1950's: THE HAND JIVE (1957)
Herb Sheldon's dancing Teens do their spin Johnnie Otis' "Willie & The Hand Jive,"
Then see Otis' original performance of his "Hand Jive." (Dumont/RKO)
24 GROUCHO MARX YOU BET YOUR LIFE (1959)
Contestants: 11 year old Candice Bergen with dad, Edgar sans Charlie Mc Carthy,
& Groucho's daughter, Melinda. Are the dads smarter than the 6th graders? (NBC)
25 the original DRAGNET(1959)
Grandaddy of TV cop shows, the definitive police melodrama with Jack Webb as Sgt. Joe Friday,
Ben Alexander as Officer Frank Smith. Cliff Arquette appears as a nut (NBC)
26 THE MAGNIFICENT MUSICAL COMEDY GENIUS OF VICTOR BORGE 1951
Victor performs a new twist to Listz and it is a classic Borge, musical & comedy genius.
Victor Borge's precision piano and satiric talent are as natural as his warmth. (CBS)
27 EDDIE FISHER SINGS A MEDLEY OF HIS BIGGEST HITS 1953
Eddie croons I'm Walking Behind You, Anytime, With These Hands, Oh My Papa on his TV show.
Like the era crooners, Fisher got 15 minutes weekly to enthrall his swooning fans.(NBC)
28 ABBOTT & COSTELLO: WHO'S ON FIRST? 1951
The signature Bud Abbot and Lou Costello comedy routine often imitated, never duplicated.
The duo did hosting stints on The Colegate Comedy Hour & Hollywood Palace. (NBC)
29 DANCES OF THE 1950's THE JITTERBUG 1958
It started with Cab Calloway and ended up the most popular moves on American Bandstand.
Here the dancers jitterbug jive to Little Richards' "Rip It Up." (AIP).
Kids 8 to 80: Enter your 40s-60s dance video @ Oldies Television & win cash & prizes!
30. THE HONEYMOONERS ...IN COLOR! 1969
Ralph & Ed are jailed in  Paris , Ed's plan backfires with hilarious results.
Jackie wanted the show taped in  Miami , Audrey Meadows & Joyce  Randolph nixed moving.
Shiela Macrae & Jane Kean played Alice & Trixie; audiences didn't accept the change. (CBS)
31 THE ORIGINAL FLASH GORDON SERIAL theatres-1939; TV-1960's
Before oldies concerts, PBS used Flash Gordon cinema serials to rattle the tin cup.
Buster Crabbe introduced Flash Gordon fighting evil Ming The Merciless~Charles Middleton/
From Captain Video to Captain Kirk, find your TV galactic faves here @ Oldies Television
32 Full Episode THE LONE RANGER 1955
Hi Ho, Silver! Starring Clayton Moore, it was the top rated of all weekly TV western series.
The Lone Ranger was the top rated #1 of the many Saturday afternoon "thataway" oaters
See the debut episode, Enter The Lone Ranger Hi, Ho Silver! (synd.).
33 THE ENDEARING GRIMACES OF EDDIE CANTOR 1952
From the "lost" The Colegate Comedy Hour kinescopes (off the TV screen made film copies):
Eddie Cantor pantomines a sketch as the hapless victim of a vixen. (NBC)
34 BOBBY DARIN HOSTS A BEAUTY CONTEST 1957
Long before having his own network show Bobby's first TV gig: hosting a NYC beauty pageant
what a disaster! The contestant names are mixed up as are the sponsor's promos ( DuMont )
35 DANCES OF THE 50's: AT THE HOP LINDY HOP-BOP STYLE 1959
In '59, they bopped the Lindy Hop to "At The Hop" and it was Top!
Kids 8 to 80: Enter your 40s-60s dance video to Oldies Television & win cash prizes!
There's more Danny & The Juniors here to stay on our Classic Oldies Video Jukebox (below)
36 Full Episode THE GEORGE BURNS & GRACIE ALLEN SHOW 1953
starring George Burns, Gracie Allen, with Bea Bearnedette, Harry Von Zell, Fred Clark
Gracie's crazy whims get George, Harry Von Zell and Harry Morton arrested! (CBS)
Can you guess how many actors played Harry Morton before & after Clark, or who they were?
37. THE DANNY THOMAS SHOW: MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY 1958
co-starring Marjorie Lord, Rusty Hammer, Angela Cartright; Jane Withers guests
Kids wreak havoc on dad, mom~divide & conquer +Danny's stand-up comedy. (CBS)
Please support St. Jude's Children's Hospital founded by Danny. Help save children with cancer.
38 3 Full Length Sketches SID CAESAR'S YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS 1952-57
Legendary pre-SNL skit comedy, co-stars Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner, Howie Morris
Sketches: "Flippity" (musical spoof, 1955), "Sicillian Marriage Contract" (1957)
co-written by a very young Woody Allen & hilarious "This Is Your Life" parody (1952). (CBS)
39 HERE COMES TOBOR! 1954
Before Captain Video got a hold of Tobor, little Robbie donned the prequel.
Madison Ave jumped on ship with a cardboard Tobor mask. Don't laugh, they sold. ( DuMont )
40 THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN 1954
After TV animation came a live Superman series starred George Reeves, Noel Neill as  Lois Lane
Lois is abducted by gangsters, Superman sans Clark  Kent saves the damsel in distress. (CBS)
41 full episode THE ADVENTURES OF FLIPPER 1964
Let's get our minds off killer whales and go back to this beloved, adorable dolphin.
Each week this amazing mammal fascinated kids and adults by solving mysteries! (synd.)
42 SPIKE JONES: COCKTAILS FOR TWO 1951
Spike & the gang of hilarious musical zanies perform their signature musical blowout!
As you see this wild musical circus, know Spike Jones choreographed the wild antics. ( DuMont )
43 CAPTAIN VIDEO & HIS VIDEO RANGERS 1950
Long before Kirk, there was Captain Video chasing those bad guys around the galaxy.
It was the "Star Trek" of it's time, network directors made the same cancel blunder. ( DuMont )
44. THE ELEGANT STYLE OF LIBERACE 1952
Liberace brought style to candlelight piano music, with brother George on violin.
This rare clip captures the musical heart and soul of the flamboyant pianist. ( DuMont )
45 MEDIC 1954
The first and still best medical drama series, Richard Boone hosts as Konrad Steiner MD.
Still as relevant: up and coming boxer is befelled by Diabetes. As relevant today as then. (NBC)
46 full episode THE BIG VALLEY 1965
An outstanding Western series with Barbara Stanwyck, Lee Majors & Linda Evans
Local town fanatics threaten to blow up the Bartley Mine (NBC)
47 A TRIBUTE TO THE ROOTS OF TV BASEBALL 1950-57
Visual newsreel memories of baseball's early years: Jackie Robinson~Joe Di Maggio~Yogi Barra
This was the very beginning of baseball gaining more fans via television. (Movietone)
48 full episode Mc HALE'S NAVY 1962
Before Harvey Korman, Tim Conway was sidekick to Ernest Borgnine on this military sitcom
View a full half hour episode and watch Tim fall (literally) for a Lt. Commander Nurse. (NBC)
49 clips HOPALONG CASSIDY 1952
The Saturday afternoon TV Western staple starring William Boyd as frontier vigilante Hoppy.
Of the many Saturday TV matinee oaters, this ranked #2 in ratings. Giddyap! (syndicated)
50 DARK SHADOWS 1966
The first Weekday afternoon TV gothic drama with Jonathan Frid as Vampyr Barnabas Collins.
For a time, this Dan Curtis produced breakthrough out-ranked established soaps in ratings.
Come back to Collinsport as Barnabas takes his bride, Carolyn (Nancy Barett) (ABC)
51 FUN FADS OF THE 50s & 60s
The Hula Hoop, Twist, Palisades Park Bikini Fest, Rock-Ola Juke Box, Ford Thunderbird,
set to the music of The Olympics' "Dance By The Light Of The Moon" What a gas!!!
52 I LOVE LUCY 1952
Highlights from TV episodes involving the coming of "Little Ricky;"
Ricky gets the news during club performance; he, the Mertzes go frenetic when the time comes
Lucille Ball, Desi Arnaz, Vivian Vance, William Frawley. (CBS)
53 full episode THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW 1962
Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore with guest Bob Crane ("Hogan's Heroes")
Dick is directs local Stage play, Mary sings & dances vampy Calypso! Ohhh, Rob! (CBS)
54 THE BEATLES FIRST TELEVISION APPEARANCE 1963
Not yet on seen in the  U.S. , the Fab Four debuted "She Loves You" On The Mersey Sound (BBC)
*More Beatles, British Invasion classics on the Classic Oldies Video Juke Box below this menu.
55 BAT MASTERSON 1958
Gene Barry stars as debonair Masterson, this episode "The Stampete In Tent            City"
Guest star William Conrad ("Cannon") as a vigilante out to avenge his brother's killer (NBC)
56 MARTY ROBBINS ON THE JOHNNY CASH SHOW 1964
Back in the 60's, Holiday Inn funded shows for Dolly Parton, Bobby Vinton & Marty Robbins
Before his own show aired, Marty sang " El Paso " on Johnny Cash's short lived series (synd)
*A very young Johnny Cash performs two early hits on the Classic Oldies Video Juke Box.
57 A CANDID FRANK SINATRA SPEAKS FROM THE HEART 1954
Would you believe, a humble Frank Sinatra? He talks openly about the bad years,
gratitude to Bob Hope & his all time favorite movie role (can you guess which one?). (CBS)
58 PASSWORD 1962
Allen Ludden hosted this popular game show 1962 to 1971 on all 3 networks & syndication
Allen vies celebs Carol Burnett and Gary Moore against contestants to win $250. (CBS)
59 full episodes STAR TREK TV ON DEMAND 1966-2005
Now you don;'t have to sit up until 3AM to see Star Trek episodes~get them here & now!.
Full Episodes: Star Trek, ST: Next Generation, DS 9, Voyager,  Enterprise . Go Boldly Again.
60 TED STEELE'S BANDSTAND 1956
Who introduced Hillbilly Rockers Bill Haley & The Comets To New York?
No, wasn't Alan Freed, Clay Cole. nor Dick Clark in PA, It was lesser known Ted Steele.(RKO)
61 THE LIVE REFRIGERATOR COMMERCIAL CATASTROPHE 1954
Poor Westinghouse. If their built in antenna TV fiasco wasn't enough, came this chagrin
the automatic referigerator door that jammed on live national broadcast promo. (CBS)
62 ARTHUR GODFREY: HIS WAY OR NO WAY 1957
He ridiculed sponsors, fired staff on air, fixed talent contests & made Godlike demands at CBS.
Yet, he still garnered big ratings, got a share of the network's revenue & plays the uke.(CBS)
63 BUILDING THE 1958 DODGE: INSIDE THE FACTORY
An automotive retrospect! A TV industrial film goes inside the Dodge automotive plant.
Plus a gallery of Classic Cars including Jaguar, Porter, Nash-Rambler, Packard & more!
64 BOXING CLASSIC: ROCKY MARCIANO vs. JERSEY JOE WALCOTT 1952
Highlights from that historic championship boxing match in  Philadelphia September 12, 1952
You'll see that boffo KO comeback in the 13th round~this is the true Rocky. ( DuMont ).
*Check out Dynamite Joe Rindone's fights, too, on Oldies Television Ch 79!
FUTURE ATTRACTIONS: Sugar Ray Robinson, Rocky Graziano, Joe Louis, Max Baer
65 THE SMALL SCREEN'S BIGGER THAN LIFE ICONS 1952-59
Nixon's '54 scandal, John Wayne's PSA, Marilyn Monroe's Motor Oil, Jimmy Durante's Schnozz,
Jack Benny & Dennis Day,  Laurel & Hardy, Jackie & Art's "Hello, Ball!"
66 full episode ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS 1959
"Good evening," then came the thriller from the Master Of Suspense, Alfred Hitchccock
The man whose big screen flix had us on seat edges brought same to small screens (NBC).
67 THE SATURDAY NIGHTLIVE~~ BEFORE SNL 1954-58
All Broadcast Live Sat Eves: The Bob Hope Show, The Liberace Show, The Ken Murray Show,
Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis, Steve Allen Show, Pat Harrington Show, Jackie Gleason Show
Watch many surprises with shows' regulars & guests. (ABC-CBS-DuMont-NBC).
68 full episode FELIX THE CAT 1959
In 1928, RCA testing Vladimir Zworkyn's iconoscope, Felix The Cat was the first image on TV;
Oldies Television's roster would not be complete without Otto Mesmer's historic cartoon icon.
Here the '59 Saturday cartoon show with updated opening.(NBC).
Apr 20 Sky King comes to OTV ch.68 by request. Felix moves to kidvid channel 100.
69 THE DONNA REED SHOW: 'JOHNNY ANGEL' DEBUTS 1958
Donna mugs nervously when daughter, Mary (Shelley Fabares) sings at a school dance.
It's Shelley's first new vinyl 45 release, "Johnny Angel." Dad (Carl Betz) gleams proudly (NBC)
70 full episode THE GOLDBERGS 1952
Gertrude Berg served as executive producer and co-writer as well as star
of this beloved sitcom about the matriarch (Molly) of a middle class Jewish family.
Frank Sutton, who would later be Gomer Pyle's Sarge, guest stars in this episode. (synd.)
71 LUCILLE BALL & CAROL BURNETT 1965
Two queens of comedy together with Gale Gordon as straight man on "The Lucy Show".
Lucy wants to join Carol on a trip to  Palm Springs , they scheme to fool Boss Mooney. (CBS)
72 full episode THE LITTLE RASCALS 1955
A top Saturday morning TV attraction of the 50's was re-worked MGM "Our Gang Comedies"
This favorite classic episode has Darla wooing Alfalfa on Valentine Day.
The other guys throw a hilarious gremlin in Alfalfa's romantic ballad crooning. (synd.)
73 full episode HIGHWAY PATROL 1956
Stars Broderic Crawford. Think global dope smuggling recent? Here's a bust in the 50s!
The popular, syndicated series was considered the "Dragnet of the highways."(MGM).
74 full episode LOST IN SPACE 1966
Danger Will Robinson! The world's first and last outer space sitcom OMG!.
Episode guest stars Mercedes Mc Cambridge ("The Exorcist"), as matriarch of alien hillbillies
Her shop of horrors is intruded by Dr Snith (Jonathan Harris) & Will (Bill Muny) (ABC)
75 full episode ETHEL WATERS AS BEULAH 1951
Long before The Jeffersons and Sanford & Son even before Amos & Andy on TV.
there was the talented Ethel Waters as supermaid Beaulah & Butterfly Mc Queen as Orio
Sadly, Proctor & Gamble canceled the highly rated, popular show after only two seasons. (CBS)
76 full episode BEWITCHED 1966
Wriggle your nose, it's Elizabeth Montgomery as that saucy, sassy, beautiful, bedazzling witch
& Dick York as befuddled hubbie, Darren (or as Agnes Moorehead said,"Durwood" (NBC)
77 full episode I DREAM OF JEANIE 1966
Out of the bottle comes that ravishingly capricious Jeanie, Barbara Eden (blink-blink).
Larry Hagman is her adopted master, Bill Daly is the bewildered buddy (CBS).
78 full episode SEA HUNT 1957
The "Dragnet" of the ocean floor, Lloyd Bridges fights underwater crime with only a snorkle.
This syndicated show got high tide ratings in it's era (ZIV)
79 full documentary DYNAMITE JOE RINDONE 1954
Like Rocky Marciano, Joe Rindone was the son of Italian immigrants who rose to boxing glory.
Dynamite Joe in action from the era when boxing was true sport (Producer: Andrew Bertino).
80 THE MILTON BERLE SHOW 1957
Featuring  Arnold Stang & guest Mickey Rooney; Berle's swan song after 8 Tues. Nite Years.
Bit: Berle wants Gleason like publicity, so he feigns a broken leg for a press conference (NBC)
81 DOO WOP BOULEVARD: 50s-60s STREET CORNER HARMONY (1949-69)
DJ Gus Gossett called it Doo Wop, the group harmony that will never die,
Back Seat Love Ballads, Jive Jumpin' Group Vocals, your vote names the top 20!
Here are video specials which tribute the unforgettable part of R&R and R&B
Plus REMEMBERING SUNDAY NIGHT DOO WOP RADIO "
video documentary hosted by "Doo Wop Shop's" Don K. Reed, The Crests, Frankie Lymon, more.
And our own Doo Wop Boulevard DJ hosted web radio show on demand (audio)!
82 MIKE WALLACE & EDWARD R. MURROW 1952-54
If you thought Mike Wallace was tough on "60 Minutes," wait 'til you see him in the fifties!.
You won't believe what he said to Steve Allen, but Kirk Douglas got his say)
+Edward R. Murrow & Sen. Joseph McCarthy go at calling the other "un-American." (CBS)
83 full documentary A TRIBUTE TO AMOS & ANDY 2004, TV clips 1949-53
Profile & clips from this hilarious, enormously popular television sitcom.
Spencer Williams & Tim Moore starred in the series axed in secrecy by CBS despite high ratings
TV Historian Bob Greenberg provides perspective and commentary. (CBS)
84 THE ROCKIN' CHARLESTON 1959
"Rock & Roll Rebellion" was no Oscar prize, but it did bring back the 30's  Charleston craze.
The flapper dance was put to rock and roll music. (American International)
85 full episode THE FUGITIVE 1963
David Janssen had us on the edge of our seat as Richard Kimble, escaped convict
in search of that one armed man who could prove his innocence,
Barry Morse played Lt. Gerard close at hand to bring Kimble back to jail (ABC)
86 full episode OUR MISS BROOKS 1952
Eve Arden and Gale Gordon starred in this sitcom set in a not so typical suburban high school.
Brooks falls for teacher colleague Boynton, but off the roof of the school building? (Synd)
87 full episode VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA 1962
Richard Basehart is the captain of the futuristic submarine and was the Capt Kirk of the sea,
The crew must infiltrate a spy network to save a kidnapped scientist (syndicated)
88 full episode IRONSIDE 1967
starring Raymond Burr and Barbara Anderson in the classic crime fighter
Ironside's old flame is accused of murder. Is she guilty? Ironside finds out! (NBC).
89 the original HOLLYWOOD SQUARES 1965
Red Foxx, Demond Wilson, Eva Gabor, Tony Randall join regular center square Paul Lynde
The classic Squares hosted by the most personable Peter Marshall (syndicated)
90 HOGAN'S HEROES 1964
Hilarious segments from the pilot and first season opener: there's a breakout at Camp 13!
starring Bob Crane, Werner Klemperer, John Banner Ivan Dixon and Richard Dawson. (CBS)
91 POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN VS. SINBAD 1950
Popeye, Olive Oil, and Wimpy meet Sinbad who bears a strange resemblance to Bluto
Enjoy Max Fleischer's classic seaman in an animated venture not for small children. (synd.)
92 I MARRIED JOAN 1952
Tagged as the "Queen Of Comedy," Joan Davis stars with Jim Backus in this early sitcom
Joan falls for a movie casting scam and winds up doing a screen test with a monkey. (NBC)
93 full episode THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE 1955
Child star Jackie Cooper, all grown up, headed the sitcom with Patricia Breslin
Socrates Miller (Cooper) in the doghouse with talking dog Cleo for ignoring fiance'(NBC)
94 full episode MY LITTLE MARGIE 1954
Charles Farrel as Vern Albright was single father to Margie, played by Gale Storm
in this ahead of it's time sitcom. Margie can create havoc even when she sleeps! (CBS)
95 full episode ANNIE OAKLEY 1954
Gail Davis as the legendary woman gunslinger (and single mom), Annie Oakley
A masked gunman steals Annie's charity money ~ but Annie's got her gun! (synd.)
96 THE BO DIDDLEY BBC REVUE 1958
Shunned by American TV Networks, legendary Bo Diddley brought the house down
with this dynamite stage revue shown in the U.K. and Canada (BBC)
97 full episode THE RIFLEMAN 1958
Chuck Connors stars as sharpshooter Lucas McCain out in the wild west.
A crazed frontiersman kidnaps Lucas' son to lure The Rifleman to a shootout.(synd.)
98 uncensored full episode TOPPER 1953
starring Leo G. Carroll, Anne Jeffreys, Robert Sterling, Lee Patrick, Kathleen Freeman
Banker Cosmo Topper has his refined life turned topsy turvy by two sensual ghosts.
George & Marion expose cheating taboo at a posh bistro. We leave in the cur scenes.(CBS)
99 Full Episode THE ROY ROGERS-DALE EVANS SHOW 1954
Happy Trails! Roy Rogers and wife Dale Evans star in this endearing TV western
Roy and Dale intercede in a deadly battle between landowners & ranchers. (synd)

J1 SILHOUETTES The Rays
J2 TRAVELIN' MAN Ricky Nelson
J3 ONLY YOU Tony Williams & The Platters
J4 RUBY, RUBY Dion
J5 GOOD LOVIN' Felix Cavaliere & The Rascals
J6 I'M IN LOVE AGAIN Fats Domino
J7 SUSPICIOUS MINDS Elvis Presley
J8 BYE BYE, LOVE The Everly Brothers
J9 LITTLE DARLIN' The Diamonds
J10 GOODY GOODY Frankie Lymon
J11 DREAM LOVER Bobby Darin J12 WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE? Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers
J13 TOO MUCH Elvis Presley
J14 THAT'S WHY (I LOVE YOU SO) Jackie Wilson
J15 GET A JOB The Silhouettes
J16 DANCE WITH ME, HENRY The Platters
J17 OH WHAT A NIGHT Dinah Washington
J18 PARTY DOLL/HULA LOVE Buddy Knox
J19 CAN'T STOP (HE'S GOT THE POWER) The Exciters
J20 WHEN MY DREAMBOAT COMES HOME Fats Domino
J21 DANCE IN THE STREETS The Rockateens
J22 A LOVER'S CONCERTO The Toys
J23 YOU BELONG TO ME The original Duprees
J24 YOU ARE EVERYTHING The Stylistics
J25 SUNDAY KIND OF LOVE The Teentones with Robert Klein
J26 NEED YOUR LOVIN' Ronnie Hawkins & The Hawks
J27 YOU BETTER KNOW IT Jackie Wilson
J28 BUTTERFLY Charlie Gracie
J29 THE NIGHT HAS A THOUSAND EYES (extended version) Bobby Vee
J30 IN THE NAVY The Village People
J31 SAVE THE LAST DANCE (remake) Ben E. King
J32 DON'T GO BREAKIN' MY HEART Elton John & Kiki Dee
J33 IT"S MY PARTY Lesley Gore
34 MIDNIGHT SPECIAL Johnny Rivers
J35 EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN Gary Lewis & The Playboys
J36 I GOT YOU BABE Sonny & Cher
J37 BABY, DON'T CHANGE YOUR MIND Gladys Knight & The Pips
J38 DENISE, DENISE Debbie Harry & Blondie
J39 TIE A YELLOW RIBBON Tony Orlando & Dawn
J40 HELP The Beatles
J41 BROWN SUGAR The Rolling Stones
J42 THE TIME WARP Rocky Horror Picture Show
J43 NEEDLES AND PINS The Searchers
J44 CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' The Mamas & The Papas
J45 DO THE FREDDIE Freddie & The Dreamers
J46 1-2-3 Len Barry
J47 LONG TALL SALLY Little Richard
J48 WHEEL OF FORTUNE Kay Starr
J49 FIVE O'CLOCK WORLD The Vogues
J50 BE MY BABY The Ronettes
J51 SURFIN' USA The Beach Boys
J52 BABY LOVE Diana Ross & The Supremes
J53 PIECE OF MY HEART Janis Joplin
J54 RUNAWAY Del Shannon
J55 YOUNG GIRL Gary Puckett & The Union Gap
J56 BLUE SUEDE SHOES Elvis Presley
J57 HOTEL CALIFORNIA The Eagles
J58 SUPERSTAR The Carpenters
J59 IMAGINE John Lennon
J60 WALKIN' ON AIR (LIKE A FEATHER IN THE BREEZE) Janis Paige
J61 SIXTEEN REASONS Connie Stevens
J62 LOUIE LOUIE The Kingsmen

When Insults Had Class

2011-09-04T09:28:00.002-04:00

When Insults Had Class
Posted by lizzy on Aug 29, 2011 11:03

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway ).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker uncl

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912 )

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Subscribe so you don't miss any!!!

A Few More Senior Jokes Because You Forgot the Ones I Told You Before (:-)

2011-07-09T07:17:00.000-04:00

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club were all aghast.

At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continued to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replied.

"What, did you tell her - that you were only 50?"

Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."

================================

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What made the submarine sink, was it the octopus?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

================================

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused.

"Well," she said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral.

================================

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

================================

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?

===============================

After many years of trying, the Russian family was finally able to bring grandpa to America to live with them. The old gentleman could only speak Russian.

Each day when the family members were at work grandpa would spend his time in the park, walking, watching the children play and feed the ducks a few crumbs he brought along. So that he would be able to get a little something to eat they taught him to say, "apple pie, coffee."

Each day he would go to the nearby deli, climb on a stool at the counter and say to the counterman, "Apple pie, coffee."

This worked well for him until one day he decided that he just couldn't take another piece of apple pie. So the family taught him to say, "Ham sandwich, coke."

He went to the park the next day looking forward to being able to order a ham sandwich instead of apple pie. Smiling to himself he climbed onto the stool at the counter and waited his turn.

When the counterman asked for his order he proudly said, "Ham sandwich, coke."

To which the counterman asked, "White or rye?"

The old man replied, "Um, apple pie, coffee."

===============================

The Old Man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

==============================================At a nursing home in Victoria, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even SEE my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we all can still drive!"

Editor: I HOPE NOT!!!

==============================================Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; neither was barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Crap! Am I driving?"

==============================================Perks of being over 55

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

==============================================An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower. A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding."

The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow."

"But the sign says 22."

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.

As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, "What's wrong with them?"

"Well, we just came off Interstate 134."

==============================================

More thoughts on growing older...

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over 50 don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution: Leave air holes.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

==============================================
Retirement Questions

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

==============================================
In our family, my aunt is thought of as a merry old soul because she sings as she goes about her daily routine.

One day I took the time to listen to the words of her songs, only to hear, "Now let me see, where did I put my keys?" and "I've got to remember to turn off the oven."

I asked why she sang about such trivial things. "Annie," she answered, "if people hear me singing, they think I'm a happy old buzzard. If they hear me talking to myself, they'll think I'm daft and send me off to a rest home."

==============================================
When my flight was called, an elderly couple preceded me along the boarding ramp. We entered the airport bus, where a stewardess collected our boarding passes. As we were being driven along the runway the woman said, "What do you think, Pa?" He scratched his chin and replied, "Danged if I know - never seen one without wings before."

==============================================An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".

No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
==============================================An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
==============================================After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.

==============================================At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

==============================================A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."

The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man& who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

==============================================
I had just reached the wicket to purchase tickets to an exhibit. My friend was counting out admission money when I noticed the DISCOUNT TO SENIORS sign overhead. Only then did it occur to me that I had qualified at my last birthday, the month before.

I was so excited at the prospect of a discount for the first time that I yelled out: "Wait. Don't pay full price for me. I get a seniors' discount!"

Then, quietly, I asked the ticket seller if he needed proof of my age. In a voice heard by everyone standing behind me, he said, "Lady, any woman who would yell out her age like you did doesn't have to show me proof."

==============================================MY FATHER, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few wants. Last fall my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday this year?"

"Nothing, " he replied.

"But, Pa," she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year."

"Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."

==============================================An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

==============================================Our friend, who had just turned 60, was doing some spring planting with the help of his 91 year-old father. When the older man began to put up beanpoles in straight lines, the son suggested that stacking them teepee-style was better. A disagreement arose.

"Dad," our friend finally said, sighing, "this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees."

The father threw down his hoe and stomped off towards the house. "You kids!" he snorted over his shoulder. "Turn sixty and think that you know everything!"
==============================================A new wine for seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

==============================================A Heart Warming Story - An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

==============================================
A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of making cheese, explaining that goats’ milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours".

==============================================
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
==============================================
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

==============================================A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
==============================================A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

==============================================An elderly gentleman (mid seventies), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
==============================================
Scotch and Water
A elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one's on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you," to the woman on her right.

"Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you, sir. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

==============================================
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

A Deceased Canadian's Take on Americans

2011-07-04T14:05:00.003-04:00

Happy Independence Day, United States, also known as "America" !
First: A humorous look at what we Canadians are not! (:-)

Updated 2010 version of Gordon Sinclair's take on The Americans:

The Original Gordon Sinclair spoke the truth in 1973.

2011-07-04T13:41:00.000-04:00

Since Saturday and Sunday are sandwiched this year, 2011 between July 1, the day of Canada's birth and July 4 the day of the birth of the United States, why not look at a humorous video of a Canadian working in the United States?

We have many of them you know...

JIM CARREY: A SERIOUS LOOK AT CANADA RIGHT?!? (:-0)

Jim Carrey is one of the Canadian agents we send to United States UNTIL we have enough of them to OVERTHROW the U.S. Government and form ONE LAND, INDIVISIBLE, THE UNITED STATES OF CANADA! WATCH OUT! We have more like him!(:-)We sent Lorne Greene,John Candy,Pamela Anderson and oh so many more! They all failed! We EVEN SENT MICHAEL MOORE to blow up Hollywood. He failed too. He only blew up the TRUTH! We even tried to get Barrack Obama's mother to have her baby in Canada! But she went to Kenya instead at the insistence of the father .... .Whoooopps. That is a secret! Tell NOBODY!...However now we are running a secret training area in the Hollywood Hills and the future looks GOOD!(:-)

06.09: A Cables Funny

2011-06-09T19:38:00.000-04:00

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
http://www.agathongroup.com/

today'sFUNNY===========================
Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you guys, but don't start anything."
[forwarded by Tom Smith]

today'sTHOT============================
I'm not a minority. I'm an outnumbered majority!
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
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===============================
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New Jack Layton Gun: "UNION WORKER"

2011-06-09T19:32:00.001-04:00

The Ruger Firearms Company announced this morning that they will be marketing a new pistol in honour of new Canadian Opposition Leader Jack Layton. It will be named the “Union Worker”.

It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

Contributed by Linda and Ron

The Recession Hits EVERYBODY!

2011-03-02T00:51:00.000-05:00

I heard a student say once that he heard the word "recess-ion" and thought it meant afternoon recess. (:-)

Contributed by Brian

Things that happened in the recession .....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife...

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds", you call them and ask if they meant you .... or them!

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. [I tried to get her to adopt me but she thought I was too old. We seniors get NO respect!]

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now worth .... 200 words.

When Bill and Hilary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And finally .....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds etc. I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane or drive a truck!... (:-)

Did Shakespeare Ever Wonder ....?

2011-02-23T01:09:00.000-05:00

TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE...

I have a job. I work, they pay me.

I pay my taxes & the government

distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to get that paycheck, in my case,

I am required to pass a random urine test

(with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my

taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question:

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check

because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with

helping people get back on their feet.

I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping

someone sitting on their butt - doing drugs while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each province

would save if people had to pass a urine test

to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program

"URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!

Something is changing! Political parties will have to PAY for their own campaigns! - Editor

Remember Black & White?

2011-02-19T18:57:00.001-05:00

Days of Black and White
e
"Good night and God bless.."

Go all the way to the bottom past the pictures. I think you'll enjoy it. Whoever wrote this must have been my next door neighbor because it totally described my childhood to a 'T.' Hope you enjoy it.

Black and White

Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,

Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.

Pull a chair up to the TV set,

'Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE...and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option.. even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either, because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.

Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.

Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA. AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.

-- Barrie

$ A Money "Funny" $

2011-02-07T23:10:00.000-05:00

$MONEY...$
It can buy you a House
But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life

today'sTHOT============================
When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

A Gift Funny

2011-02-07T23:07:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- Cash.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

today'sTHOT============================
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

A Fishing Funny

2011-02-07T23:04:00.000-05:00

UNDERSTANDING FISHING
By W. Bruce Cameron
[Check out the info on Bruce's new NY Times best-selling book below!]
Fishing is the act of sitting in a boat for hours and hours waiting for something to happen. It can be an exciting sport if you enjoy watching a lake evaporate one molecule at a time. And sometimes, given the right rhythm to the waves, there's the added attraction of throwing up.
My father and I go fishing occasionally, though we've never explained to each other why. Holding a rod in my hands, I'm struck by the idea that fishing is sort of like kite flying, except the kite is very small and you can't see it. I mention this to my father, who doesn't respond, either because he finds my comment unmanly or because he has fallen into a stupor.
We're in Michigan, where he has gone to retire. Based on how he spends his days, I assume he picked Michigan because it has good cable television. We've paid the state a license fee so that if we catch anything, it will legally cost ten bucks an ounce.
We're trolling, meaning that the boat is moving ahead slowly, dragging behind it a barbed lure in hopes some hapless fish will come across it. To me, trolling is a bit like discharging a shotgun out your kitchen window, hoping you'll hit a chicken.
The inside of our boat is smaller than the size allowed by the Supreme Court for prison cells. "Catch anything yet?" I ask my father, hoping to amuse at least one of us.
He's still not talking.
My dad bought a fish finder in order to, well, find fish. We stared at the schools of huge fish on the small screen for two awestruck years before we realized we had it in "Demo" mode. Now we don't pay much attention to it, but we leave it in Demo because we find the images comforting.
Our lures are made of metal and plastic, substances that fish apparently find very appetizing. I try to picture wanting to bite at the things as they sail past. It's as if you decided to ignore a hamburger and eat a unicycle instead.
My father has a new net. (The old one fell apart from disuse.) The new purchase is large enough to net a human cannonball. "Why don't we forget the lures and just drag the net through the water?" I suggest. "Maybe we'll catch Flipper."
I'm starting to worry that perhaps my father thinks the fish are monitoring our conversation to learn our plans. Finally he speaks. "What's he doing?" he says.
I look where he indicates. A boat with a solitary fisherman approaches dead ahead, apparently planning to ram us at 3 MPH. My father stands up and makes a nautical hand signal that means "You Are An Idiot." The captain of the opposing vessel shakes his fist, but makes no effort to change course. This is an obvious challenge to which the only response is to not change our course.
We're going to crash and sink because neither boat thought to bring along a woman to point out how stupid we're acting.
The same laws of randomness that have protected the fish from being snagged by our hooks now prevents a boating accident by the narrowest of margins. "I've been fishing this lake for 60 years," my father calls to our enemy, establishing who has proprietary rights to this stretch of water. The guy in the other boat smells like he's been fishing even longer.
"I've been here all morning," he counters as he slips past.
"Well, you won that debate," I praise my father.
Moments later my rod dips and I'm fighting what feels like the biggest fish of my life. With every tug it pulls back, as if it's trying to catch me.
With a sound like a bow firing an arrow, my line pops out of the water—I've hooked the lure of the enemy boat guy. Our lures dance in the air for a moment while we strain against each other and then there's a snap and we both fall back. His line has broken, and I reel in his lure while he shakes his fist.
My father's disgusted, but I'm happy — I went fishing and finally caught something!
-----------------
From The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter:
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2010. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
Bruce's latest book is the New York Times best-selling novel "A Dog's Purpose":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0765326264/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
He is also the author of these recommended books:
"8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0761126333/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
"8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter: And Other Reasonable Advice from the Father of the Bride (Not that Anyone is Paying Attention)":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1416558918/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
"How to Remodel a Man: Tips and Techniques on Accomplishing Something You Know Is Impossible but Want to Try Anyway":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/031233317X/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
today'sTHOT============================
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
MIKEY'S FUNNIES is a clean humor email list, sent every weekday and is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
http://www.agathongroup.com/
We sent you this recurring mailing because you either directly subscribed to the list, signed up on our website, or emailed a request to be subscribed to Mikey's Funnies. We DO NOT rent, sell, or share your email address with any company, organization or individual, sacred or secular. And, subscribing will not result in more spam. We guarantee it!
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Copyright 2010 Mike Atkinson | www.mikeysFunnies.com

A Birthday Funny

2011-02-07T22:55:00.003-05:00

today'sFUNNY===========================

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. "Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."

today'sTHOT============================
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

Have a Laugh or Two: Pet Food for the FunnyBone!

2011-02-07T22:12:00.002-05:00

MOO-vin on up, to the East Side! Daddy was an Albino, honest!

I feel a weird itch in my hair!

Cat gymnastics, anyone? Mama told me there'd be days like this!

I love this rug! I'm not leavin' it!

I never PAWsed my First Aid course! Sorry!

Doggone cute! Mama kitty was NEVER this warm!

Mama was NEVER this warm!

Where are the chips man?
The game's startin' !

Excuse my language! But it's the only defense I have left! I'm tapped out!

I think I have this problem licked!

Hey I don' wanna hurt you bro! Listen up!

No 'arm done! But the hole I went in was a LOT bigger!

No pussyfooting around this kitten!!! My paws my friend!!!

Dog gone! Please? Does he meow too?

How do I get out of here?

"Look . . . I was thirsty man, deal with it"...

I was learning how to be a 'straw boss'!

Touch de duck... I keel you!...

'eee's my best fre-eenndd !

Weeeeeee!!! Look at me I'm Yoda!

I can feel the force!

"You want a piece of me? Bring it on!...

"Kid . . .. You're askin' the wrong guy".

I just don't understand cat humor.

I don't get it. Where's the milk?
What will parents think of next?

Wasssup!! Doggone cute!

This bird's about to get a snot bath...

However it snot.. what you think!

I Hate You!!! Why?

It was only a little pee, why the
30 minute timeout? Was it a Sweet Pee?

Dad left when he found out about
Mom and the Panda...

Now keep this smile on, and have a great day!

Doctor's orders... (:-)

No animals were harmed in any way by the foregoing photo sessions. In fact, they enjoyed every minute! (:-0>

-Contributed by Barrie Brown

TOP TEN REASONS TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A RAISE

2011-01-26T21:14:00.001-05:00

TOP TEN REASONS TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A RAISE

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

[author unknown]

Puns for Educated Minds

2011-01-12T01:13:00.000-05:00

Puns for Educated Minds

      1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

   2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

   3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

   4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

   5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

   6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

   7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

   8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

   9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

   10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

   11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The firstreplies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

01.10: A STC Funny

2011-01-10T22:06:00.000-05:00

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
http://www.agathongroup.com/

fromMIKEY==============================
HAPPY NEW 2011!!

After a wonderful break, we are baaaaaack! Did you miss us? -sniff-
We had a spectacular visit with sick and injured Marine recruits on Christmas morning. We had more letters to deliver to them than maybe ever. Thanks to each and every person and organization that helped us. It was SO worth it. These guys were touched by everyone's support and love.
We've posted photos and a video of the visit, in case you want to show the children who participated:
http://uneeknet.com/mcrd/christmas/2010/

We'll be doing our annual Easter visit as well, so I'll send info out in a month or so.
Mikey
today'sFUNNY===========================

STC (Senior Texting Codes)
Since more and more seniors citizens are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for senior discounts, these are the codes for you:
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing; send the additions back to the person who sent you this so they can update their list:
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today'sTHOT============================
I told my family I never want to depend on a machine and fluids to keep me alive...that's when they took away my computer and coffee maker!
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
MIKEY'S FUNNIES is a clean humor email list, sent every weekday and is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
http://www.agathongroup.com/
We sent you this recurring mailing because you either directly subscribed to the list, signed up on our website, or emailed a request to be subscribed to Mikey's Funnies. We DO NOT rent, sell, or share your email address with any company, organization or individual, sacred or secular. And, subscribing will not result in more spam. We guarantee it!
~ Add our address to your Approved Senders/Whitelist: funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com
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Copyright 2010 Mike Atkinson | www.mikeysFunnies.com

Twas the Night Before What?!

2010-12-25T10:09:00.000-05:00

Twas the Night Before What?!: "The politically correct night before Christmas..."

Merry Christmas - Happy Hanukah

2010-12-23T21:41:00.003-05:00

GET YOUR VIDEO MUSICAL CHRISTMAS CARD HERE!

ABSOLUTELY FREE! AND YOU DON'T NEED TO SEND ONE BACK! ENJOY!

I WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A GREATER NEW YEAR!!!

===========================================

Since Christmas was about a Jewish boy being born who would come to save us from our darker natures, here is a little Jewish humor.

Please check this link!

The first one is about a GOOD Jewish dog who .....

Then there are the ones about what he/she will grow up to be....

And the Frum Bear....

Some Jewish Mothers ....

The Jewish Knight ...

Learning to be Jewish .....

Favorite Cookies ....

Yiddish Proverbs & Folk Sayings

and then Yadah, yadah, yadah .......

Merry Christmas from Press For Fun!

2010-12-13T23:45:00.000-05:00

If you would like to enjoy your video, musical, activated, resourceful Christmas card, please click here!

A friend sent me this. I HATE forwards! But this is too good NOT to share!

2011 Contract

After serious & cautious consideration... your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2011

It was a very hard decision to make...
So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2011

May peace break into your home
and may thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans
become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline
and may laughter assault your lips!

May happiness slap you across the face
and may your tears be that of joy

May the problems you had,
forget your home address!

In simple words .............
May 2011 be the best year
of your life!!!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

True Life Observations

2010-11-16T16:49:00.002-05:00

[from BlogohBlog.com]

Nov

18 True Observations of Life

13 Shouts

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square one
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
More on the site

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN ...

2010-11-14T01:10:00.001-05:00

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN ...

~ you've removed the power button from the remote.

~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers.

- you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land.

~ you start recording soap operas so you don't miss any of the plot.

~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!"

~ you don't think Bart Simpson is bad, just misunderstood.

~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom.

~ you start recognizing extras in movies.

~ you continue to watch TV when the cable goes out.

~ you enjoy other climates by watching the snow on TV.

~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters.

~ your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment.

~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.

[author unknown]

IT'S SO HOT THAT...

2010-11-14T01:06:00.000-05:00

IT'S SO HOT THAT...

~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.
~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
~ Hot water now comes out of both taps in the sink.
~ You can make sun tea instantly.
~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
~ The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
~ You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am.
~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

It's Remembrance Day in Canada and Veteran's Day in the U.S.

2010-11-10T23:28:00.003-05:00

Do you ever need a rest? I think today, even comedy needs a rest. There is nothing funny about offering your life to save freedom!

So I wrote a "blanket verse" poem as it crossed my mind today, November 11, 2010

Please see a poem that crossed my mind and two videos which I hope cross yours.

=: Happy 40th Birthday :=

2010-11-09T23:02:00.000-05:00

Bernie went out to dinner with his wife Esther to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

Bernie asked: "So what would you like, Darling? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

However, Esther replied: "Bernie, I want a divorce."

Bernie thought for a second and then replied: "Mmmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much..."

[author unknown]

Do You Have Insurance?

2010-08-07T06:52:00.000-04:00

After the barn burned down, Julie called the insurance agent. “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars,” she said, “and we want our money.”

“It doesn’t work like that,” the insurance agent said. “We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”

After a pause, Julie replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

Life Insurance on the Barn (From Grant Jeffrey)

=: Assorted Wisdom (part 2) :=

2010-08-06T09:18:00.000-04:00

~ I'm like a roasted marshmallow: crusty on the outside, but a big softie on the inside.

~ I'm not 50. I'm 49.95.
~ I've decided to stop beating around the bush. I'm going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.
~ If all else fails, stop using all else.
~ If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.
~ If I use up all my sick days, do I need to call in dead?
~ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~ If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.
~ If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
~ If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.
~ If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.
~ It is better to be patient than it is to become one.
~ It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.
~ It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
~ It must be tough going through life with a short -- hey look, there goes a butterfly!
~ It's not so much about "Why this?" as "What's next?"
~ Life is like photography... we use the negatives to develop.
~ Live so the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
~ Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.
~ My wife knows just how to motivate me. She'll say, "Do you want to do the dishes tonight, dear, or would you rather have a live weasel stapled to your thigh?"
~ Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
~ Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
~ She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.
~ Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
~ Since God and the angels are always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.
~ Sooner or later, everybody gets old, right? I vote for later.
~ Spring allergies and a full-face motorcycle helmet are not a pleasant combination.
~ The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.
~ The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
~ The economy has gotten so bad that yesterday I received in the mail a pre-declined credit card application.
~ The first rule of holes: if you're in one, stop digging.
~ The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
~ The late worm misses the early bird.
~ The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
~ The opinions expressed are solely those of the author. You go get your own opinions!
~ The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can't stand you away from the folks who are undecided.
~ There are only a few pretty children in the world and every mother has them.
~ There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.
~ To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.
~ To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.
~ To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.
~ Tomorrow is just a future yesterday.
~ Trousers: an unusual word -- singular at the top; plural at the bottom.
~ Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
~ Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.
~ Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly... on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.
~ Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch.
~ You don't stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.
~ You know you're getting old when you wonder what you'd feel like if you weren't taking vitamins.
~ You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
~ Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.

[from Mikey's Funnies -- www.mikeysfunnies.com]

Smile of the Week

2010-08-06T09:04:00.000-04:00

SMILE OF THE WEEK

(contributions for this section are most welcome)

=: Assorted Wisdom (part 1) :=

~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
~ A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
~ A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
~ A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.
~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.
~ A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for an amount up to and including their life.
~ Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.
~ All general statements are false, except this one.
~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
~ All that glitters has a high refractive index.
~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it.
~ Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~ At pilot's training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~ Bad decisions make good stories.
~ Bald spot? No, that's a solar panel for brain power.
~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything!
~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?
~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.
~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
~ Care more than others think wise. Risk more than others think safe. Dream more than others think practical. Expect more than others think possible.
~ Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it.
~ Do not believe in miracles... rely on them.
~ Do workaholics have rest cancer?
~ Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
~ Don't you hate it when people can't sphel?
~ End procrastination... tomorrow!
~ Every time I hear that dirty word, "exercise," I wash out my mouth with chocolate.
~ Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
~ Goofing off is exhausting -- there's no way to take a break.
~ Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
~ Having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
~ He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
~ How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
~ How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?
~ I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
~ I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~ I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
~ I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.
~ I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
~ I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, "Help! Help!"
~ I know where I am. I've been lost here before.
~ I passed another picket line. One of the signs said "Down with repetition!" So did the next one. And the next one, and the next one...
~ I saw a group of mimes walking a picket line. Their placards were blank.
~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
~ I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it's procrastination.
~ I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
~ I was struck by an odd thought recently. Fortunately, it was only a glancing blow.
~ I wrestled with my conscience once, but everyone knew I was faking it. Oddly enough, they watched anyway.
~ I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
~ I'll take "Sleep" for $1000 please, Alex.

[from Mikey's Funnies -- www.mikeysfunnies.com]

Smile of the Week

2010-08-06T08:52:00.000-04:00

SMILE OF THE WEEK

(contributions for this section are most welcome)

=: BABY NAME IDEAS :=

Based on occupation!

PROFESSION........................NAME

Lawyer's daughter......................Sue
Thief's son.................................Rob
Lawyer's son.............................Will
Doctor's son..............................Bill
Meteorologist's daughter............Haley
Steam shovel operator's son.......Doug
Hair stylist's son........................Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son..........Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter...Mary
Sound stage technician's son.....Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son..................Frank
Gambler's daughter....................Bette
Exercise guru's son...................Jim
Cattle thief's son.......................Russell
Painter's son.............................Art
Iron worker's son.......................Rusty
TV show star's daughter............Emmy
Movie star's son.......................Oscar
Barber's son............................Harry
Housewife's son ......................Dusty
Minister's daughter ..................Faith
Day-trader's daughter ...............Hope
Televangelist's daughter ...........Charity
IRS agent's daughter ...............Mony
Geneticist's son ......................Gene
Espresso vendor's son .............Joe
Undertaker's son .....................Barry
Beautician's son .....................Curly
Gardener's son .......................Moe
Florist's daughter ....................Rose
Baker's daughter ....................Cookie
Manicurist's son .....................Hans
Athlete's son ..........................Victor
Lumberjack's son ...................Glenn
Plumber's son ........................John
Accountant's daughter ............Ira
Musician's daughter ................Melody
Jeweler's daughter ..................Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter ....Fanny
Politician's daughter ................Patsy
Butcher's daughter...................Patty
Bartender's daughter................Brandy
Moving company exec's daughter....Cari
Counterfeiter's son...................Bill
Museum curator's son..............Art
Book printer's daughter.............Paige
Trout fisher's daughter..............Brook
Kindergarten teacher's son.......Skip
Publisher's daughter................Mag
Woodworker's daughter............Peg
Tennis player's son..................Ace
Clothing manufacturer's daughter..Polly Esther
Teacher's son..........................Mark
Landscaper's son.....................Phil
Singer's twin daughters......Harmony & Melody
Highway patrolman's son..........Chase

[source: www.mikeysFunnies.com]

SMILE OF THE WEEK

2010-06-27T11:26:00.002-04:00

(contributions for this section are most welcome)
=: Chicken Man :=
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said "Fried chicken".
She said I wasn't funny. But she couldn't have been right -- everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Specially chicken -- and pork and beef and fish too.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
[from Mikey's Funnies -- www.mikeysfunnies.com]

A Child's "Commercial" Idea of God

2010-06-10T01:53:00.002-04:00

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results: scroll down.

God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.

God is like.
COKE
He's the real thing.

(This is great)

God is like.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like.
SEARS
He has everything.

God is like.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

(that one is my favourite)
God is like.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
God is like.
Chevrolet. . . .the heart beat of America
God is like
Maxwell House. . .
Good to the very last drop

God is like.
Bounty. . . .
He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . .and He won't fall apart on you

NOTE!

HE'S also like coffee!

Gets you going in the morning and KEEPS you awake!

Seniors' Moments Made ALIVE!

2010-06-09T12:56:00.000-04:00

92-Year-Old Preacher.

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....

"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me.... The only thing that would comfort was this verse........ ......

"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
We are weak but He is strong......
Yes, Jesus loves me......
The Bible tells me so."

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."

This is the best part- - - -

JESUS LOVES ME

[senior version]

Jesus loves me, this I know,

Though my hair is white as snow

Though my sight is growing dim,

Still He bids me trust in Him.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..

YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,

With my hand in His I'll go

On through life, let come what may,

He'll be there to lead the way.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..

YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

When the nights are dark and long,

In my heart He puts a song..

Telling me in words so clear,

"Have no fear, for I am near."

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..

YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

When my work on earth is done,

And life's victories have been won.

He will take me home above,

Then I'll understand His love.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..

YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

I love Jesus, does He know?

Have I ever told Him so?

Jesus loves to hear me say,

That I love Him every day.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..

YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Humorous Thoughts

2010-05-14T12:05:00.003-04:00

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

-Thomas Edison

Stupid Criminal Videos

The Computer EXPERT

2010-04-21T12:29:00.001-04:00

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
"... Now give me back my dog."

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The Meaning of "Service"

2010-04-21T12:20:00.001-04:00

Confused

I became confused when I heard the word 'service'  used with these agencies.

Revenue Canada 'Service'
Postal    'Service'
Telephone   'Service'
Cable TV   'Service'
Civil    'Service'
City, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Customer   'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service'   his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I KN OW what "service" means. Do you?

[With apologies to the more sensitive readers who may find this offensive. I thought it was clever and not explicitly rude.]

Smile of the Week

2010-03-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

SMILE OF THE WEEK

(contributions for this section are most welcome)

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country...

* Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

* For Sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

* For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

* Great Dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

* Stock up and save. Limit: one.

* We build bodies that last a lifetime.

* For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

[author unknown]